Except tomorrow is waking up hating the body you’re stuck in and the life it has deprived you of. Tomorrow is going to a job where they make fun of you to your face and don’t know why you’re not laughing too. Tomorrow is crying on a smoke break because I never got to know the mother that cigarettes took away from me. Tomorrow is trying to figure out how many times I’m going to forget to eat. Tomorrow is another day without the business I watched and helped grow just to be closed before its’ time. Tomorrow is another day living with the pain of yesterday and the fear of one more tomorrow. But tomorrow is not always a good thing. Tomorrow is the wrong direction to go. I think I’ll just stay in today forever.
Tonight I was supposed to see one of my besties and get a chance to actually be myself around someone again, but as my brain told me this morning I was unable to do so. My anxiety kicked in and my night has come to an end early.
Well my depression finally calmed down for a little bit, I started getting really productive at work and was even multitasking different areas at once. I thought I was going to turn around and have a good day until a coworker went around and asked everybody if they wanted food from next door which I missed out on because I was moving around, so now I’m trying so hard to calm down. I know they didn’t forget me on purpose and I’m over reacting, especially since I can make better food here for cheaper, but it’s ruined the progress I made so far. Now I’m just a mess again wondering what I did wrong and why I don’t deserve food.
My anxiety wakes me up two hours early today, which really isn’t that uncommon these days, but I know I won’t get anything done today. Instead I lay in bed, listening to every thought that crosses my mind. Ranging from “Your side hurts, I bet your appendix is going to explode” to “Today is the day they finally get sick of you at work and fire you.” With such a wide variety of happy thoughts to keep me motivated, it’s a miracle I get out of bed, ten minutes after I was supposed to be at work, and slowly stumble my way into the bathroom to look out the bathroom window. Another morning has arrived without nuclear warfare, I think this disappoints me a little but I’ll think about that later, so I should probably get ready fast! Throw on an inside out shirt, find the jeans I’ve been wearing all week, pause to cry for five minutes, and throw on my socks. Stubbed my toe trying to find my boots, broke a nail which I can see through the hole in my sock, and that stopped me for another five minutes, but I’m already fifteen late so at this point my brain is switching from depression to anxiety over drive. “Please don’t fire me! Oh today’s the day they can’t deal with me anymore! I’ll just crash my car on the way and use that as a late excuse, it could work!”
Alright I found my boots and I’m at the door but now I can’t stop crying so I stop to cuddle the dog for another few minutes of confused time wasting. After I finally make it out the door, I have to go back inside because I need a hat for the day. I’m finally starting to get over this anxiety slump because I brought this all on myself and honestly deserve to be fired. Months ago. (Oh anxiety shifted back to depression)
Why the fuck are there so many traffic lights? I just can’t fucking handle them. What’s one car crash? I can handle a hospital visit right? I don’t know if I can handle this again tomorrow..
Depression and Anxiety is like radiation. There’s always a little bit of it in the background but not enough to kill you. Then once in a while you get a free trip to Chernobyl.
JK Rowling:
Suddenly, light started shining through the window!
J.R.R. Tolkien:
The window, which hanged on the wall, softly letting its curtains dance around the room, suddenly brought a bright light into the house.
Douglass Adams:
Quite unexpectedly, light shined through the window in the room, which was less surprising when you think about the fact that's what windows are for.
Lemony Snicket:
Light shined through the window abruptly.
abruptly, usually means unexpected, or sudden. For instance, if your mother picked you up from school after telling you twice about doing that, it would not be abruptly. However, if someone were to tell you your house burned down and your parents were dead without telling you to sit down first, it would very much be called, abruptly.
I really hate uploading Snapchat videos to anything that isn’t Snapchat, but this was too perfect. As I’m saying “falling” a leaf decided to fall through my view. The storm last night was crazy, hope everybody made it through fine. I can’t wait to go to Wilderness after work to check out the damage.
#Chicago Part Two
More cool buildings and we turned a symbol of hated into a Windows logo.
#ChicagoMusic #Selfies #Vacation #ConcertTrip #whyDidWeLeave #TakeMeBack #fucknebraska #NightLife #chicagoskyline #PrettyLights #Colorful #liveforsomething #WorthDyingFor #SearsTower (at Chicago, Illinois)
#Chicago Part One.
#Wendys #TrumpTower #DumpTrump #FuckThatTower
So we saw Trump Tower..
Some cool buildings.
#StreetArt #graffiti
Went to some cool places.
Saw a concert.
#RiseAgainst #Music #Posters #ChicagoMusic
#gasPump #OldStuff
And a cool sign about alcohol
#Alcohol #solution #FuckHashTags #ByeChicago (at Chicago, Illinois)
Because I hate saving selfies on my phone, but I do enjoy remembering that I’ve been places: here’s the selfie post for the last months worth of exploration. Time to delete these.
With all the crazy shit that’s been going on this week, I’ve not gotten around to posting much here sadly… I did manage to find a new place to go to #meditate but otherwise this week hasn’t been too park active.. sorry guys..
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#WildernessPark #Wilderness #Teaser #InstagramShit #fuckhashtags #warhamer40k3 #nature #iwentoutside #tree #bridges #dontlookdown #itsBeautifulHere #NebraskaIsntBoringAfterAll #ComeAdventureAlong #GoingBack #GoingWild #GoingNatural #GoingOutside #Purple #TeamPurple #Pins #Railroad #Track #OffTheBeatenTrail #Trails #WhereDidIgo #ImLost (at Lincoln, Nebraska)
